As I would normally be blogging this week I must give up my stage to my beautiful daughter and her remarkable tribute to her father. If you have read my blog you know my first marriage was very trying and I became a single mother when Lexie was little. Her father became estranged from her and she dealt with a lot of emotions of abandonment in regards to her father. He died last year. The following is where Lexie is today with her father in heaven.
9/11 gives me all the feels and emotions.
Dad. I can’t believe it has been a year since I got that phone call. The phone call I knew would eventually get but not this early and not within 6 months of having my first baby boy. It was hard for me in a million ways because of the fact I was extremely hormonal and pregnant, but also I was struggling with the worst bout of anxiety/OCD that I have ever experienced (which I feel like would’ve been a time where you could have really related with me.)
Those 23 years were a huge mix of emotions for me as far as what we called our relationship. I felt anger and I felt guilt. I felt left with no answers yet I felt I totally understood you . I wanted to forget you yet when I’d see you I felt so much love for you.For ten years I just wanted to hear your voice and see you again for closure yet right before I reunited with you I wanted to back out because I (selfishly) knew it would be easier .What I see now but wished I understood during those years is that you were absolutely the best dad you could be. I wouldn’t be where I am now without you. I’ve learned that what seems like hardship and set backs are really just a part of God’s bigger plan for us. We weren’t in each others lives much because it wasn’t supposed to be that way. You protected me from having to see your struggles because you knew It wasn’t good for me to be around that environment. You were fine with Mom moving me to Texas not because you didn’t care but because you cared so much and wanted me to have the life you knew you weren’t able to provide for me. Because you weren’t the “conventional” dad didn’t mean you weren’t a dad to me.
I’ve seen that the picture that I painted in my head as the “conventional” dad isn’t always what it seemed. I’ve seen also that when parents get divorced that the children don’t always get “screwed up” because of it.
Because we went ten years without seeing each other as a young girl I was able to paint the picture of who you were in my mind (which was a positive) because God knew that it would have been way harder if you were in my life every day at that time.
I do feel like you left too early. I wish Ty could have met you. And I ESPECIALLY wish that you could have met your beautiful grandson, Levi James. BUT I absolutely know that you are shining up in heaven and with us and protecting us everyday. I have mentally been such a stronger person since Levi has been born and I truly believe it is all because you’re with me now and being that protecting patriarch that you can be now that you’re in heaven .
I thank God everyday that you’re my first father and I have life because of you and I’ll always be strong because of you.
I’m sorry our last encounter here was not a great one and I couldn’t make your celebration of life last year. But I know that you understand and still love me no matter what.
I will never forget the time you told me that I’m your only little girl and that you were so proud of what you and my mom brought into this world. After those ten years you looked at me like I was the best thing you had ever seen. And that’s the Dad I remember. Levi and future babies will know they have grandfathers here on earth but will also know they are extra special because they have a Grandfather that protects them from above. As well.
As a mother that went through all those years and tears with Lexie there is nothing more heartwarming that these words. Lexie’s father was a wonderful man who couldn’t kick some demons. God put Tod in my life to give me Lexie. I loved Tod deeply in the beginning. I would be nowhere without God’s blessing and the biggest blessing being Lexie.
If you are suffering with an estranged relationship in your life remember this struggle is for a purpose. God has placed you there for a reason. Sit silently and ask God where is He leading you. How are you to learn from this relationship. Trust His plan for you.
I pray everyday for those suffering with a broken heart from an abandoned parent or suffering from addiction like Tod did. I pray for God to touch and heal those suffering and I know He hears these prayers.
Nothing but God’s blessing, love and grace I wish for you-LoLo
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted” Matthew 5:4