Gratitude Archive

It took me many long years to learn I couldn’t control situations or people.  I wasted many years trying to control my first husband, my employer and my life in all aspects.  Then I learned to just live my life.

I was seventeen years old when I was in a serious car accident that landed me in the hospital.  I was driving to school the day after Labor Day my senior year when the sun was parallel with the earth and blinded me.  I was so blinded that I hit a parked semi truck.

I was rushed to the hospital with a broken ankle and a deep head laceration.  I soon learned that you get a lot of attention when you are in the hospital.  People sent me flowers, friends came to visit, my dad stayed overnight in my room with me.  Wow, look at me.  Everyone is catering to me and making me the center of attention.  It was all about me!

I was too young to understand this was a bad path to go down.  I still walked down that path.

When I was younger I spent so much time planning and controlling every aspect of my life.  I overthought every situation and then was upset when it didn’t work out the way I thought it should.  I thought God didn’t want me to have the things I was demanding and wishing for.

I never recognized my blessings in my early twenties.  Even though I didn’t have a bad life, we owned our home, had a brand new boat as well as enough money to always pay our bills.  I never opened my eyes to my blessings but instead chose negativity for attention.

I realized after years of disappointment and frustration that this is not how it works if you are to be happy and successful.  You must release that victim mentality.

I was married to my first husband just before my 23rd birthday and as I look back I know that I was an absolute drama queen and was always playing the victim.  I wanted to shock people with what was happening in my life and thought this was a good thing.  The more shocking I could make it, the more attention I would get.

My parents planned a beautiful and very expensive wedding on a riverboat with a dinner cruise.  It was the same year as their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary.  I felt at the time they were picking everything they wanted and inviting all of their friends. To me in my mind I played it out to people like all I got to pick for my wedding was the groom.   I was so ungrateful for what they were doing for me.  I chose to be the victim again instead of being joyous for their gift.

Another example of my ignorance is that  I worked in the veterinary industry and if I was bitten by an animal at work (which happened often) I would wrap the wound with so much gauze people would have to ask me what happened.  I was an attention seeker.  Bites happened all the time, it was part of the job.  You can look at my hands and arms and still see the scars.

If I would have a small laceration from a dog’s tooth my hand would look like this picture below.  The injury would be tiny but I would wrap it as if a lion attacked my arm.  This would cause everyone I came into contact with to ask what happened, give me pity and make the situation all about me.  I could tell the story over and over about what happened.  Not to mention most times I got to go to the emergency room to get the bite flushed out allowing me even more chances to tell the story.

When it came to my first marriage it was no better.

I would always cause some kind of disruption with my first husband if I didn’t feel like I was getting enough attention from him.  Another example is that I would initiate arguments with him to get his interaction.  I was way too immature to understand this was not the way to build a relationship with my then husband.

If he was 20 minutes late getting home from work I would blow up and say dinner was going to be ruined because he was late.  We had no cell phone then so I am unclear as to how I thought he could let me know he would be late.  For heavens sake twenty minutes is nothing in today’s world with traffic yet I chose to react and act like a victim.

I would fixate on his “alone” time.  He and his brother and dad practiced a lost art that is called hand fishing.  The would go to the river beds off the Mississippi River and lift big rocks and literally grab huge 15-20 pound catfish with their bare hands.  This has since been deemed illegal and you can go to jail if you are caught.

Instead of me recognizing what a talent and strength it took to perform this task I pouted that he left me alone at home.  I would sit at home brooding on Saturdays in the summer because my husband wanted to be with someone other than me.  The picture is not my husband but shows the size of the fish caught with bare hands while hand fishing.

When I was pregnant I hired a doula which is a woman who is trained to assist another woman during childbirth and who may provide support to the family after the baby is born.  I just knew my husband wouldn’t be a supportive partner during childbirth so I took the situation in my owns hands.  This would also allow another person to focus only on me.

When it came time to have our baby my husband was there through the whole process and was very supportive.  Me, being who I was at the time utilized the doula and didn’t recognize the possibility that he could have been helpful. I gave him no chance because I had to control everything.

I wasted so many years as well as opportunities to enjoy my life.  I chose to be the victim instead of being positive and living a fun and happy life in my twenties.

I absolutely loved working with animals and had so many incredible experiences.  For example we once took care of a tiger cub that had encephalitis (this is an inflammation in the brain).  A traveling exotic animal show was passing through our area and my boss was the only one trained to help the tiger cub.  Not many people can say they have held a tiger cub and I can.

Another time I was in an animal pen at our local veteran’s home that housed deer, peacocks and other animals that people could sit on benches and watch.  My boss was called out to tend to several of the deer.  I was his field assistant so I got to go with him.  I was allowed to go into the pen with him to hold the bottles of medicine.  I was standing in the middle of the pen when my boss said, “There is a male deer behind you flehmening you.”  This is something deer do when they are “interested” in a female.  They open their mouth slightly and strongly inhale for pheromones.  “You need to back up to the side of the pen and get out.”  He was worried the deer was going to approach me which could be dangerous.

Just as he finished his sentence I felt the deer behind me grabbing my pony tail  in his mouth yanking on it.  I moved slowly to the side of the pen to get away from my soon to be deer boyfriend.  What an experience.

It took me many years to look at back and realize what fun memories I had while working at the veterinary hospital, boating with my first husband and seeing how much he loved our baby.  I missed all of this in the moment because I chose to.

When you don’t recognize your blessings and live in each moment negatively  you miss so much.  It took me a long time to shake the “look at me-focus on me” mentality and begin enjoying my life.  I often look back on those amazing times with such a different set of eyes.  A set of eyes that can celebrate the times God gave me and continues to give me every day.

If you are  suffering with the “look at me-focus on me” mentality I will pray for you.  Your life can be so much more.  God blesses us with so many beautiful opportunities to enjoy life and serve others.  You will live a much more fulfilled life it you can reevaluate how you live each day.  Recognize every moment and feel the joy in what is happening.  God wants you to have fun, be abundant and serve others through your daily life.

 

“Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.”  ~Robert Breault

In the last few weeks I have been touched by three suicides.  Kate Spade, Anthony Bourdain and a student at one of our local high schools.  Although I never watch the news, all three of these events came to me through Facebook.  I felt I needed to use my blog to talk about mental illness.

I didn’t know this family but it prompted me to speak up.  This teen has opened up a platform for us to help make others aware.  We can find peace in this suffering if we help others.  The sister of the student that committed suicide at the local high school wrote an eye opening post about her brother. She sets the record straight for all the stories being told incorrectly  You can read that post here.

Anyone who says they are not affected by mental health issues I want to say to you loudly, “You are so wrong!!”  Here is a short list of conditions covered under the name mental illness.  Bipolar disease, eating disorders, postpartum depression, anxiety, depression, panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, body dysmorphic disorder, substance abuse, loneliness, schizophrenia, paranoia, phobias, post-traumatic stress disorder and many more.  I’m unsure how someone could not be touched by one of these.

I personally suffered extreme postpartum depression for 24 hours when my baby was a few months old.  The thoughts were terrifying and not of my own mind.  I have felt mental illness myself.  I have also suffered from anxiety and extreme panic attacks with unrealistic thoughts.  I turned to professionals as well as to my faith to help me heal and be on guard for future events.

I would like to talk about the recent suicides because I feel all three of these people suffered a constant battle that they were unable to overcome.  Each of these people were incredibly special people and children of God that had a purpose on this earth.  A purpose we will never see fully realized.

As we see public figures suffer with mental illness we would hope it would open our eyes to know this is a very serious problem we need to all help with.  Someone may be suffering in silence next to you.  You may be too absorbed in social media or with texting to recognize someone needs help right next to you.  This is not your fault, this is how we have become with electronics in our lives.

I have posted in the past that myself and several of my good friends sit on the LifePath Foundation board.  http://www.lifepathfoundation.org. Our focus is mental health education and fundraising so all those suffering in our area can get treatment or help.  Our mission statement is:

LifePath Systems Foundation is dedicated to raising funds and building a stronger community by ensuring access for all people who need services for intellectual and developmental delays, behavioral health and substance abuse issues.

We are striving this year to raise $100,000.00 for Mental Health First Aid.  Mental Health First Aid is a training program that teaches members of the public how to help a person developing a mental health problem, experiencing a worsening of an existing mental health problem or in a mental health crisis. Like traditional first aid, Mental Health First Aid does not teach people to treat or diagnose mental health or substance use conditions. Instead, the training teaches people how to offer initial support until appropriate professional help is received or until the crisis resolves.

This program costs roughly $100 per person and we  want to train 1,000 individuals at no cost for those wanting to take the training but may be limited by cost.  A minimum group of 12 people can join together and reach out to LifePath Systems for a training date at any time and this is a great training option for many business and corporations that want to invest in their employees and enrich them with this knowledge. The sessions can be set up at your location or we can help find a church or non-descript place for the class.  You can learn more about Mental Health First Aid at

http://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org

I am blessed to have this opportunity to serve on this board and grateful services are available.  If you need help, reach out to LifePath Systems for guidance.  If you have a teen struggling please consider The Harbor at Chase Oaks Church.  Shanda, the director loves and cares about each and every teen that attends.  Their information is:

http://www.chaseoaks.org/renew-students-harbor/

 

We all care and we all want to help.  Even if you just help one person suffering find help that is all I ask from you.  Care enough to make another’s life better.  We all have an unique and special purpose here.

love, peace and my gratitude for you-LoLo

There are many people in heaven, and if I had the opportunity to talk to them one more time, I have things I would want them to know.

The picture in the header is the memory arrangement paying homage to the special people who couldn’t be at my daughter’s wedding. Many of them are the people I would want to speak to one more time. This topic will be covered in multiple blogs because there are so many I would like to share with you.

Many of my family members have given me such great memories, and I was too young when they passed to realize that I should have told them this.

My dad’s mom, Grandma Luella, was a tiny little lady. I think she may have stood a whole five feet tall. She worked at a family-owned local retail store called State Street Store. The store was located on State Street, hence the name.

When it was my birthday or near Christmas, my grandma would ask me to come to the store and pick out something special for my gift. I loved this! She had a nice discount, so I always got something I wouldn’t have gotten since the store was expensive.

Christmas 1992 was coming upon us, and in our regular routine, I met my grandma at the store, and she asked me what I would like. I never had a luxurious nightgown. This year’s gift would be a silky, colorful gown that made me feel like a princess. My grandma took me to the lingerie section in the store to show me some options. She showed me a beautiful pink, baby blue, and white gown. It was floor-length and had thin straps. I fell in love instantly. The material was so satiny and silky.

My grandma put the gown back for me, and she would wrap it up later and slip it under the Christmas tree. Even though I knew what I was getting from my grandma and grandpa for Christmas I was still so surprised because it was an extravagant gift for me.
Christmas morning came, and when we went to my grandparents to celebrate, I opened my nightgown and was thrilled it was going home with me. I slept in my beautiful gown every night. I loved my grandma!

January 1993 arrived, and one evening, as I walked into my house, my phone rang. I answered it to hear my aunt incoherently saying something on the phone. “What?” I said, “I can’t understand you.” She spoke again, “I’m at the hospital with grandma. You need to come here.” I rushed to the hospital ER to find my family in the waiting room. My grandma had collapsed at home and was in extreme pain. My grandma didn’t come home that night. We had lost her.

I still have that special nightgown that Grandma and I picked out just a few weeks earlier. I will never part with it. I want her to know I still touch it and connect to her and our last shopping trip together at the State Street Store.

My Grandpa Earl was Grandma Luella’s husband. He was a very tall man and suffered from polio as a child. I remember he would limp as an adult from his childhood affliction. I loved my Grandpa Earl!

Grandpa Earl and Grandma Luelle lived in our town, so I saw them often. My dad worked for a car dealership, and usually, when I was young, he would win trips. He and my mom would go to many fabulous places that were all-expense paid as a reward for my dad’s high sales. I liked it when they went on these trips because I got to stay at my grandparents’ house, and I would sleep on the living room couch. My grandpa would fix himself a snack of cheese and saltine crackers every night and pour a beer over ice.

He would always set his snack down on the side table and sit in his big black leather chair to watch “The Tonight Show” with Johnny Carson. I loved this time with my grandpa. He would chuckle at the show, and I think he may have thought I was sleeping, but I was taking in every moment. I hold onto these memories.

My grandpa died over the 4th of July holiday a few years after my grandma’s passing.

I would want my grandpa to know that I often think of him and his nightly ritual. These late nights with Grandpa Earl are some of my happiest childhood memories.  My Grandpa Earl and Grandma Louella are in the back of the picture below.

My grandfather, who lived on my mom’s side, lived in the Chicago area, so I didn’t see him often. He was my Grandpa McKean. He was a Methodist minister for many years when my mom was growing up. He later became a school counselor in the school system. He always served and counseled others no matter what profession he was in.

His lineage is impressive and can be traced back to a signer of the Declaration of Independence and a descendant who arrived on the Mayflower.

Grandpa Jim died of heart failure over Labor Day in 2009.

I would love to talk to him again about my ministry with Grateful Gratitude. He would be very proud of me for becoming a certified gratitude counselor. I know his heart to serve was passed to me. I feel the satisfaction he must have felt when he did this work. I loved my grandpa, and I know I am doing this work because of him!

I never met my mom’s mother. She died before my mom was married in February of 1962. My grandmother underwent emergency surgery on New Year’s Eve in the 1950s. Things were not regulated back then, and the surgeon who came in to do surgery on my grandmother had been at a New Year’s Eve party and was under the influence of alcohol. During the surgery, he made an error that would cause my grandmother to undergo many additional surgeries and eventually succumb to the doctor’s mistake.

I do have a void in my life, knowing my grandmother passed because of a senseless mistake. If I could talk to her just once, I would tell her that even though I never knew her, I love her and thank you for giving me my mother.  My grandparents, Jim and Joan, are below.

There is also a man in heaven that I met through the chamber. His name was Tony Crockett. Tony would come to networking every Tuesday morning with a smile and a hug for me. He was a very optimistic man. He had served in the military and owned his own jujitsu business. He was known for his patience with teaching kids.

One day, Tony stopped coming to our morning networking. It was announced he had pancreatic cancer. I knew that was a very tough diagnosis, and the odds of beating it would be slim. Tony and his wife went to Mexico for holistic treatment for this type of cancer. After a few months, Tony came to our meeting again. He was a shell of himself. The last time I saw him, he was buff and very muscular. He was now fragile, but the smile and hug were still the same offered to me.

Looking at Tony, I knew things were probably not going as he had hoped. I told him, “Tony, you are so positive and have touched my life. I just want you to know that!”. He hugged me with his frail body and said, “Thank you!” Tony died within a short time. I so enjoyed seeing Tony, his freckles will never be forgotten nor will his smile he gave me so unselfishly. Below is Tony.

There are other people in heaven that I would like to talk to one more time, but I will leave that for another blog post.

Although family, friends, and random people pass through our lives, they may not know they are creating special memories for us that we will cling to. I cherish these people and the tangible and intangible things they gave me. Until we can speak again, all you wonderful people, I would like to thank you. You have significantly contributed to who I am today!  See you all in Heaven.

You may not be on my earth, but in my heart!

It has been exactly one year since the passing of a remarkable man.  A young man who in his short time here on earth touched so many lives.  I am talking about Brett Miller, my cousin’s husband.

When I first met Brett he was dating my cousin, Lydia.  I saw him at a few family get togethers and we’d always joked ( and swooned) because he looked a lot like  the famous actor, Dermot Mulroney.  I had many issues in my life and Lexie and I were in the process of moving to Texas so many opportunities to be around Brett wouldn’t happen since he and Lydia lived in Illinois.

Brett was an athletic director at a high school in Illinois and also taught Spanish.  His students and players adored him.  He was the type of teacher we all prayed for at the beginning of the school year.  A fun, joke cracking teacher.   He also was an avid St. Louis Cardinals baseball fan and I remember  plenty of comments from Brett and my uncle through Facebook if  the Cardinals hadn’t performed well.

We did get to take a family cruise together with twenty of our family members in 2011.  I didn’t realize that after this trip we all would receive devastating news.  A few short months after the trip Brett began to be dizzy and slurring his speech at  a high school game.  Lydia took him to the local hospital and then onto Mayo Clinic.  Brett had a brain tumor the size of a grapefruit.  Even though this gut wrenching news was delivered to Brett by the Mayo doctors he remain positive about the outcome.

Brett was scheduled for a seven hour surgery and his journey began.  Brett knew there were people who would want to know how surgery and recovery was going so he started a Caring Bridge diary to write as he could. I have included his page and entries to share with you. www.caringbridge.org/visit/brettmiller1 . I lived for his entries because they were so positive and uplifting.  I was so grateful for his time and energy to do this as I knew there were times he was very weak and sore.  You can feel his love and strength as well as his positivity.  You can also read Lydia’s final entry.

This is an example of Brett’s diary entries.

I will I’ll continue fighting this tumor and pray for Gods healing and blessing during this time. Also praying for any friends, family and others who I know are battling with any disease or struggles like Matt Long, Jamie Doane, Hayden Wheatley, and any one else I am forgetting. 

God bless and have a great Christmas season everyone! Boo-yah!

Brett

The local newspaper and television stations followed Brett’s progress .  I have included  stories on Brett at http://www.wgem.com/story/17379347/on-the-road-to-recovery-brett-millers-story.  Another media outlet provided this story on a prayer chain in Brett’s honor.  khqa.com/news/local/prayer-chain-up-and-going-for-liberty-illinois-teacher.  By now you can see that Brett was a very important figure in the community and was loved by many.

Brett continued to go to Mayo for regular check ups and usually received good news.  He and Lydia were back running races with their families and posting their results on Facebook.  In May of 2017 Brett’s health began to deteriorate and he and Lydia were told he would need to be put on hospice.  A day later Brett passed away.

There is now a run being held every month in Brett’s honor that you can learn more aabout at:

http://www.facebook.com/runningwitheagleswings

Another great story was done for Brett and this event.  khqa.com/news/local/running-with-eagles-wings

It is not our place to understand God’s plan.  I know God put Brett in our lives because he was such an amazing influence on so many people.  I have never seen a picture or been with Brett when he didn’t have a huge smile on his face.  I know today and everyday that angelic smile is shining down from heaven and he is influencing all the angels there just like he did here on earth.  You have forever touched my life Brett Miller.  Lydia Miller you are an inspiration for your strength and commitment to keep Brett’s legacy alive.