I am a woman, and it is said that women like to control everything and everyone. A woman wants to be the puppetmaster and control all the strings in her life. Her husband, her kids, her coworkers, the outings, the meals, the spending, the everything. I was that type of woman, but I no longer am.
I once felt that if I controlled how everything was in my life, I would sleep better and have a happy life. I would know exactly how situations would be handled and mostly what the results would be. Yes, I would control everything. Everything would be good because I was in control.
The funny thing was, I didn’t have control, and I was forcing my control onto situations I had no control over. I thought I was superwoman, but I really had no power. Twenty-five years ago, I was married to a husband who abused drugs, drank too much, quit working, and only came home when I was at work. He told me I was overweight and he did not desire me as a wife. I forced my control onto him, trying to regain what I thought we once had. I hid things from my family about my marriage, and then one day, I was exhausted.
It was about midnight, he hadn’t come home, and my phone rang. On the other end, I hear a man saying, “You need to keep your husband away from my wife!”. I shook my head and thought, “What’s wrong with this picture? Why am I supposed to control this situation? Oh yeah, I’m the woman, and women control things.” I politely told him that I was divorcing my husband and my small daughter was sleeping next to me, and midnight is not an appropriate time to call someone.” I hung up, began crying, and asking God how I lost control of my life? All night I stared at my small daughter and said, “We deserve better than this.”
I fell asleep around 3 am with my eyes stinging from crying. Around 6 am, I opened my eyes, and the bright sun shone in the window. I saw that same little girl sleeping, but this time it wasn’t in darkness; it was in bright streams of light on her. It dawned on me that God spoke, saying we deserved better and should move to Texas to find that better life. He comforted me, saying, “You had to be at your weakest to hear My promises.” My sweet Lexie began rubbing her eyes as she woke up, and I said, “Lexie, would you like to move closer to Grandma and Grandpa in Texas?” Her eyes lit up, almost like she knew we would be okay. Kids know when a marriage isn’t right.
One year after my divorce was finalized, I began a list of characteristics I would want in my future husband. I knew there would be another husband. The list started like this; a man that doesn’t drink too much or use drugs, a man that will be a good father to Lexie, a man that appreciates me in my beauty and my ugly, financially stable, believe in God, stay home and not go out with the boys all the time, smart, have manners, and be fully compatible with me. I think this is really a basic list of what a husband should be, but to me, it was a list that I never had in my husband.
The thing I needed to control was my obedience to God. I gave up drinking as a single mom, didn’t talk down my ex-husband to my daughter, worked hard for little money, and tried to lift my daughter in every way possible. It was a hard six-year struggle until I married Wes, and we became a family. God knew I had to take the walk to see what He was gifting me. He needed me to focus on myself and my small child and to learn to trust Him.
A few days before loading the moving van to head to Texas, I had an online encounter with a man. A man I would have never met. He was on an online dating website that no longer exists called UDate. One of my friends asked me to show her how online dating worked, and I told her to pick out a guy that was online, and I would show her. There was a screen of 24 men online that met my dating requirements (single, Christian, lived in the Dallas area, professional, etc). She chose one, and we chatted and married 3 years later. The important part is he had every quality on my list. God knew what needed to be on my list and the man he would put on my path. My job was to trust and be obedient.
I have always believed that God needed me weak and broken the night I received the phone call that caused me to ask for a better life. He needed me to release control and trust Him. I didn’t understand that He would control it perfectly when I handed over my life. I don’t mean He will give me everything I want, but He will walk me through everything for what He has planned for my life.
That lesson was learned many years ago, and I see God’s goodness in my life repeating when I trust Him. I still try to control situations and find myself pausing and asking God what I should do. I breathe, pray, and trust.
If you are struggling today trying to control your life and manipulate things that aren’t meant to be manipulated, admit you are weak and need God to take control. Carrie Underwood’s song, “Jesus Take The Wheel,” is a great four-word prayer to keep in your pocket. May you all feel God’s peace and blessings on this day. My love and gratitude, LoLo
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with My righteous right hand” (Isaiah 41:10, NIV)
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6, NIV)
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